Blog

If you were asked by someone, “Stand By Me,” what would you say? What would you think? How would you interrupt the request? Would they be asking you to come and stand beside them, or would they be asking more? Would the request be literal or figurative and mean something else?

I have talked about how words have changed in previous articles. We have new words with new meanings. Dictionaries are updated every 10 years. Speech and verbal communication have changed with it. Literal words are used more figuratively and used as a metaphor in todays society.

I find the words stand by me to mean, Support me, be on my side, be my partner, back me up. The general response the person is looking for would be, Yes, I will be there for you and stand with you. You can depend on me, I will stick with you. We are in agreement and I will partner with you.                                              

A partner is a team, a pair and an ally. Partners serve and contribute to each other. Partners are united or associated in a relationship. Partners can be friends, acquaintances, lovers, or husbands and wives. Many partnerships are business related. In this partnership and relationship they do stand by and back each other.

What Are The Rules In A Relationship

In relationships, what are the rules or determining factors, that makes it stable? Are there any rules? Is it the level or degree of the relationship that determines loyalty or commitment? I do not think the hurt or pain of losing a a one day relationship could compare to that of a one year relationship.

I think there are many factors that affect relationships. How do we measure it? Is it short term or long term? Is the relationship temporary or permanent? The degree of intimacy and involvement in the relationship would be a large factor. (Physical, Mental and Emotional).

I want to give my definition of most relationships outside of marriage. “It is a spoken or verbal agreement that is not legally binding. It can be rescinded by one or both parties at any time.” When children are involved and enter the relationship, legal issues may arise with a breakup. Children, too often are the ones that suffer the most.

About.com gives us a good look at “Single Parent Statistics.” Using U.S. Census data, they state, “Approximately 82.2% of custodial parents are mothers, and 17.8% of custodial parents (approximately 1 in 6) are fathers. 44.2% are currently divorced or separated and 36.8% have never been married.”

Newsone.com states, “In the African American community, 72 percent of Black children are raised in a single parent household. 25% Overall In U.S.” I also find the United States leads all nations in the number of single parent homes. These statics speak loudly about the nature of relationships in the United States.

What Happens When Relationships Break Up

When relationships end, loyalty, agreements and commitment are broken. Verbal partnerships are dissolved. Acceptance and trust fades. Promises are broken. I have heard many women say, “They promised to stand by me and back me up. Be there and support me. I relied on them.” Faithfulness leaves, when one or both withdraw. Confidence is broken and time and effort has been wasted.                                                    

We expect certain things when people agree and enter a relationship. We expect them to stay and not pull away. We expect them to be present, not absent. We expect them not change their mind and simply walk off. We expect them to stand by their word and commitment. We expect, not to be betrayed. And we do not expect failure or rejection.

Different Kinds Of Relationships

There are many types of relationships. Friendship, family, business. There are relationships with parents, children, marriages or lovers. We all develop relationships from childhood through adulthood. When a relationship has been long lasting with deep emotional intimacy, I think the hurt pain and consequences are greater.

We do not expect much from strangers. We do expect a lot from those we love, bond with and enter a relationship. Individuals deal with broken relationships in different ways. The initial hurt, pain or shock may last for days, weeks, months or years. The effects can be short term or long term, just like the consequences.

I think many have to determine their future based on the broken relationship and past relationships. They assess the damage and question themselves. Here are a few of those questions.
1. Should I do this again?
2. Do I put myself out there?
3 .Is it worth it?
4. Am I setting myself up again for more heartache and failure?
5. Do I really want or need this?
6. Why did this happen?
7. Am I worth loving?
8. Am I valuable to anyone?
9. Who can you trust?
10, Do I just give up and quit?

Just because the relationship has ended does not mean the feelings have. Despair, hurt, pain and agony do not simply disappear. Neither do bitterness and rejection. These feelings may fade away with time, but not immediately.

I want to give you a quote from Rose Kennedy. She said, “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” I agree with this quote.                                                                               

The Marriage Relationship

I asked the question earlier, “Are there any rules in a relationship?” I believe there are rules in a marital relationship that are legal and binding. There is a legal written contract. We call it a marriage license. This partnership is legitimized. This contract is registered with the civil authorities. This relationship and contract is also subject to court jurisdiction.

Marriage ceremonies require at least two witnesses. They also sign as a witness on a written marriage license. The ceremony is generally a Religious or Civil ceremony. Most have family and guest who attend. Of course, there are some private weddings. It is still traditional for the bride and groom to speak their wedding vows. In todays society, many choose to write their own vows.

As a side note. In my lifetime, I have performed many marriage ceremonies and officiated at funerals. I no longer perform marriage ceremonies, but I do still officiate at funerals. The reason is, Marriages do not last. Funerals are permanent!

Wedding Vows are not just a way of expressing the feelings between the bride and groom. These are solemn vows. They are publiclly and verbally making promises to each other. Those are promises meant to last as long as they live. This expresses their commitment to each other. Here are a few of those vows and promises.

I, (name), take you (name), to be my lawful wedded (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. And leaving all others, I cleave only to you. This is declared promises and intent.                                                                                                                                                       

These promises are saying, “Stand by me, I will stand by you. No matter what comes.” Married people have the same problems in relationships as everyone else. They split, separate or divorce. One will walk off and leave the other or their own family. The difference is, in marriage, they are legally bound and do not get a free ride. They cannot just say “BYE” and end the relationship with no consequences. This would not relieve them of their responsibility.

In  broken relationships, the hurt, pain, devastation, and suffering come’s to the married and unmarried alike. I think with the married there is more of a cost and stigma attached. Their promises and vows were not only verbal but were written, signed and made legal.

CONCLUSION

What makes a successful relationship? Depending on who you ask, the answers will vary. I do believe, those in a successful relationship are in the minority. I found statics from a mental health professional who said 75% of relationships fail today. I cannot verify that. I cannot list all the reasons relationships break up. I will say, “I believe greatest failure in relationships is the lack of communication and commitment.”

Some relationships start right then go wrong. Some relationships start wrong and stay wrong. Sometimes a broken relationship is not a failure. It was simply not the right one. Not every friend or relationship was meant to last forever. Many see a broken relationship as a loss or failure at love. Relationships are the hardest challenge we face in life.

I read an article where an elderly couple were asked how they managed to stay married for 65 years. She replied,”We lived in an era, if something broke, you fixed it. You did not throw it away.” If our society could learn this lesson, there would not be so many broken relationships.

I stated before, I believe the two biggest causes of broken relationships are, lack of communication and commitment. I believe the cry and request of those who want a serious relationship is this. “Stand by me, stand with me, not against me.”

Your thoughts, opinions and comments are welcome, so leave them here. If I can help you just let me know.